​Free Will & Choices

Attitude Shift: Harnessing the Power of Free Will
Reason: The only person you can make change is yourself
Discipline Skill: Choices Power: Free Will
Value: Commitment


Today’s Agenda:
1. Shifts
      2. Free Will
                   3. Positive Choices
     4. What if?
     5. Commit

Fear controls, love structures.

Shifts:
1. Shift from “how can I make my child behave a certain way?” to “how can I help my child
choose to be more cooperative?”
2. Create two positive choices that have favorable outcomes vs a positive choice and a
punishment
Offer choices that empower the child vs a choice between “do what I say or be
punished” (a form of manipulation)

Free Will:
The Power of Free Will is the belief that every person has the ability to
choose to be helpful or hurtful either to others or themselves.
Each of us is responsible for how we behave. With that said, we cannot
make others behave; they must choose for themselves. On the flip
side, others cannot make us behave in certain ways either, we
choose, whether we like it or not.

Does the baby make you get up in the middle of the night or did you choose to have children?
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Do you have to go to work or do you choose to get a paycheck to provide for your family and responsibilities?

Think about some of these “should” and “have to” statements we make when deciding on
how much responsibility we take or power we give to “them” (whoever they are).

I should call Sarah ------------------------ I will call Sarah

I have to work out ------------------------ I am going to exercise

If we believe that others make us choose to do things then we believe that we can make
others do things and chose things because they “should”.

This belief occurs in discipline too; by forcing our will on children (with good intentions) yet
not respecting their free will because we know better.

Making children mind by getting them to behave is a common belief as a parent’s role and if
not accomplished then they have “failed” in their duty – what hurtful assumptions.
Examples: making a child do their homework, making a child stop giggling at nap time,
making someone happy.

Can we make someone, regardless of age, do something their heart is set against? Yes –
using force but how about willingly?

When we use force is says that it’s alright to force influence on others because we know
better. It also removes the other persons choice = removes their self-esteem and ability to
make a commitment.

Let’s rethink these beliefs of living a life controlled by others and battling for control of
others and start to take ownership becoming empowered parents and giving our children
that same gift.

The only person we can make change is ourselves; yet we want children to choose to be
helpful and cooperative. Good news we can do this by structuring choices!

How?
This is where the Power of Acceptance, Attention, and Assertiveness comes back into play –
accept the moment as it is, focus on what you want to see more of, make a choice of what
we could do as the next step and assertively command it – follow up with encouragement
and wala, high five worthy parenting.

Choices

Providing choices allows children the opportunity to learn how to choose as well as be
responsible for their choices.

Choices help children (and adults):

• Increase attention span
• Develop decision making skills
• Follow through on tasks
• Improve their self esteem
• Develop responsibility
• Feel empowered and capable
• *Increase likelihood of cooperation

If the choice is a positive choice and a punishment – “let your sister swing or we are leaving
the park” they may choose to avoid punishment by choosing the positive, but they will miss
out on a true moment of choosing and its benefits (listed above). These are the little
opportunities we can use as a learning experience that creates healthy values to live by.
*Create two positive choices throughout the day to instill the value of commitment


Choices structure the situation and help:
1. The child succeed at the matter at hand (goal desired by parent)
2. Creating a situation where either choice is acceptable
3. Allowing the child to exercise their will safely

“You have a choice. You may ______ or _____. Which is better for you?

“In 2 minutes, it’s your sisters turn to swing. You have a choice you can have one more under
dog or you can pump by yourself. What’s better for you?”

Remember that children take up to 10 seconds to comprehend at times so breathe, give
time, and repeat with hand gestures if necessary. “Pump or underdog?”

*Build self-esteem by noticing their choice.

Encourage, even if they get off dragging feet, by noticing, “you chose one more underdog
you were this high!”
By keeping the attention on what we want to see more of the learning moment positive.


What if?

Hesitate to choose
• This is signal to offer and point out little choices they make all throughout the day. This
creates opportunities for genuine praise when we notice their choice making skills.
o You have a choice. You can hold my left hand or right hand while we cross the street. You did
it! You chose the right hand, here we go.

• Model acceptance of mistakes to alleviate the fear of disappointing others or being
wrong. “Think out loud” techniques model this.
o “Whoops that didn’t work how I thought it would... hmmm let’s try this”
• If we make mistakes acknowledge them, apologize if needed and state what you can
do differently next time.

Resisting Structure
• Testing limits is a developmental process. It is the child discovering where they begin
and we end and who they are as an individual – “not mom or dad”. Use parroting in
these situations – calmly repeat choices.
o When they comply celebrate lavishly! Recognize the effort they put into turning that negative
response into a positive. “You did it! You chose to ____, good for you”
o If they continue to refuse say, “You’re having a hard time choosing; I will chose for you” and
then move on.

Changing Minds
• This often indicates stress or overwhelm but sometimes is a learned behavior. When
this happens, it is a signal that the child needs to slow down, calm and connect in the
moment and throughout the day more.
o Get on their level
o Say their name
o Wait for them to look
o Breathe
o Offer choice
o Notice when they do
o Stick with it
▪ “You chose pretzels and here they are. You can eat them or not.”

Use the picture rule cards attached to structure two positive choices for a “no” choice to
show acceptable behaviors of problem areas in your home – add pictures to help them
clearly see what is expected. *Infants/Toddlers only have 2 choices leave out the “no”
choice.

What Now? ------- Commit

Free Will:
o Change what you say then make a choice and live with it.
o “I have to” ----------- “I will” or “I am going to”
o “I should” -------- “I could”
o Allow others to have their own thoughts and feelings that differ from ours – be curious
about how it feels when someone disagrees - most people feel threatened.
o Resist the urge to make others happy or change their view by convincing them you have
the answers.
o Remind yourself 3x a day “the only person I can make change is myself”. Then choose to
be pleasant and share that with others.

Choices: Building Self Esteem
o Practice making choices in your day to day when someone asks where you’d like to eat or
meet – make the choice and stick with it.
o Avoid false choices – Can the child choose to stay awake or must they go to bed?
o Check to see when you offer too many choices and when you offer too few.
o Changing mind often or hesitating to choose are signals
o Figure our where you need to give an assertive command or a choice. Assertive command
are best used when child is overwhelmed or anxious. Choices are more helpful when
children want to feel empowered.
o Give two positive choices:
1. “You may _____, or ____.”
2. “What is your choice?”
3. “You chose_____!”
4. Do not give choices to the child where you are afraid to make the decision – you are the
boss

Make:
Visual Rule Cards with 1 “No” choice and 2 Positive Choices
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Sources: Conscious Discipline Parent Curriculum & Easy to Love Difficult To Discipline by Dr.
Becky Bailey