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Consider this the Open House for the class – laying the foundation for understanding to be able to learn the 7 skills and 7 powers of this philosophy. Each week we will focus on one of each in more depth. Today’s Agenda: 1.Shifts & Our Role 2. Disengage Stress 3.Our Brains & Skills 4. Connections = Values & Life Skills Conscious Discipline is a research-based program that helps adults stay calm enough to see misbehavior and upset as a signal to teach instead of punish. It all starts with mental shifts and knowing our role. Shifts: 1. From trying to fix the child to build healthy relationships 2. The way we teach values by flipping the practice of “do as I say not as I do” to “be the change you want to see”. Our Role: To be safekeepers - the adults who are counted on to keep our children emotionally & physically safe. Children can only learn when they feel emotionally and physically safe. Learning includes: 1. How to wait for a turn 2. How to say “no thank you” 3. How to be able to keep a still body 4. How to share an idea 5. How to work with others 6. How to calm down after an upset 7. ABC’s & 123’s Disengage Stress: It all begins with the right state of mind for us then the child. How? BREATHE - 3 Deep Belly Breaths helps to shut off the stress response in the body! 1- long inhale.......................................................................................... Exhale.......................................................................................................... 2- long inhale................................................................................................. Exhale.......................................................................................................... 3 - long inhale.......................................................................................... Exhale.......................................................................................................... Just like adults, children feel stressed about things going on in their lives too – nap time, boo boo’s, fear of spiders or unicorns, arguments with friends, restless sleep or staying at school without their loved one to care for them and any other kid problem that can throw off their day. So, our job as parents and care providers is to teach them active calming strategies so their brains are physically ready to learn. At school we use the S.T.A.R (Smile Take a Deep Breath & Relax) or Smell the Flower Blow out the Candle. 3.Our Brains & Skills Watch this video to understand how our brains states, skills and how to understand how to respond to our children’s behaviors. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=cjVJV7G8x3s
4. Connections = Values & Life Skills Connection is the glue that holds our relationships together and can be done in small amounts of time while having huge impacts as it builds roads in our brains making it crave more. So, our interactions with our children shape their brains. Connections Require: 1. Eye Contact 2. Physical Touch 3. Presence 4. Playful Setting So how? I Love You Rituals! They are little social games we can play or rituals we have. Remember Patty Cake, and This Little Piggy? Those moments create the feeling that comes when we get a reward, but they are so much more meaningful! See 5 min video above for more on this amazing discovery. The more you connect in these moments the more your child will be able to access their ability to learn throughout the day – Executive State. Connection = Learning Values and Life Skills Respect Integrity Helpful Cooperation Willing Empathy Accepting Responsibility What Now? Commit : Connect with your child(ren) 1-3 times a day with – eye contact, touch, presence in a playful setting. Have older children too? High fives, low fives, fist bumps, extra hug and encouraging words “Hope your day is awesome!”, “You’ve got what it takes to rock today!” Listen to their day while looking at them end with a hug, high five, fist bump and a “Thanks for sharing your day with me” Reflect
What is it that you want your children to learn? What is important for them to know? What do you value? All information is from consciousdiscipline.com/ and their YouTube channel www.youtube.com/lovingguidance Composure & Perspective Attitude Shift: Harnessing the power of perception Reason: To own your own upset Discipline: Composure Power: Perception Value: Integrity Today’s Agenda: 1. Shifts 2. Perception 3. Composure 4. Safe Place 5. Commit Children can only learn when they feel physically and emotionally safe. An adult’s inner state co-regulates the child’s state. “Inner state” is a phrase used to describe what is going on inside us. Shifts: 1. From blame to owning your own upset. No one can make you angry without your permission. 2. Being proactive instead of reactive so that you remain composed when they are losing theirs. Perception: The Power of Perception allows us to be in control of ourselves. Things happen that trigger a belief of how things should or shouldn’t be, which then determines the inner state we are in. What a good school is. What good work ethic is. What is respectful or disrespectful. When you are upset, you have a problem. Your upset is a signal to you. Our choice is to decide which way to go – up or down by using the skills we have in the moment.
Composure: the 1st self-discipline skill that helps us reclaim our power by learning to actively calm ourselves in time of distress. This is the pause to choose how we want to behave in ways that are helpful and model behaviors we want our children to use. BREATHE - 3 Deep Belly Breaths helps to shut off the stress response in the body! Say these each time to send a signal to your brain “this is real”: “I am safe” “I am calm” “I can handle this” Shift your perception to “I am willing to see the situation differently” Once calm, your perspective can shift to what you want to happen or the ability to see the world from their perspective. Safe Place: The safe place is a tool for learning not a time out. This is where the child can go to learn self- regulation skills. Time outs are punishments that are ineffective in creating permanent behavior changes. The safe place depends on age from the womb, to arms, lap, next to child, a place a child can go; ultimately children will carry it within themselves as inner peace. You are your child’s portable safe place as they learn how to self regulate. Ways to do this are in the picture cards on the next page – pretzel, balloon, star, drain. What Now? ------- Commit Composure: Practice breathing deeply 3x all throughout the day. Breathe before responding to a stressful situation. Teach your child to breathe. Perspective: Notice how your thoughts create your feelings. When you feel angry, overwhelmed, or anxious, check to see what you are thinking. Where is your mind directed? Listen to how often you blame others. Carefully note any “make me” language. “Don’t make me_______” “You’re making me__________” Replace with “I am going to_________” Be kind to yourself as you learn new ways to handle hard situations. Make: Breathing cards for visuals to have in the house. Practice in times of peace not upset. A place the child can go to “calm down” – cozy, favorite book, fidget toy, coloring, pin wheel or breathing picture cards, glitter bottle. Sources: Conscious Discipline Parent Curriculum & Easy to Love Difficult To Discipline by Dr. Becky Bailey All information is from consciousdiscipline.com/ and their YouTube channel www.youtube.com/lovingguidance
 Attitude Shift: Harnessing the power of attention Reason: What you focus on you get more of Discipline: Assertiveness Power: Attention Value: Respect Today’s Agenda: 1. Shifts 2. Attention 3. Assertiveness 4. Passive/Aggressive/Assertive 5. Visual Schedule What you focus on you get more of. By being assertive we teach our children to be assertive and that words have more power than hitting. Shifts: 1. Focusing on what I want instead of what I don’t want 2. Shifting from a passive or aggressive tone to a voice of no doubt. Attention: The Power of Attention is like a flashlight that shines on what we value as important. When we focus on the error vs the answer we are shining the light on what we don’t want. When we shine the light on what we want to see or have happen we are teaching to focus on solutions.
Pivot – What I Want “I am going to eat more fruits and veggies” --- The focus is now on fruits and veggies. The mind starts to think about what kinds we want to eat or how many we have had today. It’s such a simple switch, right!? It’s about retraining ourselves to think in that way. A young child’s brain does not always compute the “not” part of “do not”. When this happens when we say– don’t run, don’t touch, don’t yell – they hear run, hit, yell and we get more yelling, running and hitting. We focus on our children’s behaviors a lot so what we focus on we are showing that we value those behaviors and will give attention to those behaviors. Let’s make the switch to the behaviors we can’t to see.
Focus on the behavior we want to see Don’t run – focus “run” ---------“Walk” Don’t touch the cat – focus “touch” ----------- “Put your hands in your lap while she eats” “Stop” is needed on occasion yet follow up with stating the behavior we want to see “Stop! Wait for me before you go down the stairs” Intention of helping children be successful If our intent is to punish the child it doesn’t matter if we are using the right word because our body language is saying otherwise – wide eyes, waving a finger, tight mouth. So, we breathe, calm and focus every cell in our bodies on helping the children be successful at the new skill – even if we feel they should know it already. A tone of no doubt This is the “matter of fact” voice as if saying “the sky is above me”. An assertive voice is always clear, matter-of-fact and calm – like “this is the way it is and that’s a fact” Be descriptive & paint a picture with words Use words, gesture and anything else that will help the child gain a clear understanding of the desired behavior – model how to “like this’ if needed. Name, Action, Paint Name: Make eye contact and say the child’s name – breathing while waiting for them to look. Action: State the action you want to see. “Hold my hand and walk with me to the bathroom.” Paint: Paint a picture by using words and gestures – Reach out the hand you want the child to hold while using the other hand to point in front of you. Use language appropriate to the child’s age and remember the younger the more we will have to repeat, repeat, repeat as calmly. Passive/Aggressive/Assertive A voice that is Aggressive is harsh and says “you better or else...” When using aggressive communication the goal is not clarity it is to win by overpowering. • Using statements that start with “you” are a form of attack –“you children are so selfish” • Threatening – “put those shoes away or I am leaving without you”. • Using always and never – “you never listen, I’m done wasting time repeating myself! • Tone – “ROSIE, HOLD MY HAND AND WALK TO THE BATHROOM WITH ME” • Any statement ending with “NOW!” • Making assumptions about another’s viewpoint “you are just doing that to make me mad” • In response to feeling threatened – “Don’t talk back to me, young lady” • Physically responding to child – grabbing, squeezing, spanking... • Imposing extreme consequences when emotional– “No TV for two weeks!” A Passive or questioning voice is the voice of “do it for me... pretty please?” When using passivity, the goal is not clear communication but wanting to keep the other person happy. • Bribery – “if you are good at the store, I’ll get you a candy at checkout.” • Adding Okay? “let’s brush your teeth, okay?” • Giving choices when none exist – “Can you put your shoes on?” or “Are you ready for bed?” • Asking questions instead of communicating what we want – “What should you be doing?” or “Why did you take you shoes off?” or “Are you being nice?” • Ignoring a conflict hoping it’ll resolve itself. • Blaming child for our upset – “Don’t make me ground you” or “You are driving me nuts” • Pleading – “Aww come on guys. Get ready for bed . I’ve had a long day. • Manipulating using guilt – “I wish our family would eat together at dinner.” Both of these voices invite children to challenge us. The trouble is that passivity leads to aggression – when we tried to be nice and now must put the hammer down. Then aggression begets aggression – child is going to either fight or surrender – the goal is cooperation. An Assertive voice is a voice of no doubt. A voice that clearly communicates with straightforward statements about our feelings, wishes or thoughts. It requires us to make decisions – are they always “the right” ones no but it creates a sense of safety and clarity. • State what we want, need expect – “It’s time to go potty. Take my hand and walk to the bathroom” or “pick up your plate and put it in the dishwasher. • Matching nonverbal communication with verbal – appear confident and in control, sound sure of yourself, and use gestures to provide information. • Give choices when they have them – “It’s bath time. Do you want bubbles or no bubbles?” or “It’s time to get buckled in your seat. You can buckle or I can, what is better for you?” • Give commands that contain usable information – “Tell Jason, ‘stop calling me name, I don’t like it’.” Or “tap your brother on the shoulder like this, wait for him to look and then say ‘Turn please.’” • Own and express feelings – “I feel angry when you interrupt me” or “I don’t like it when you scream it hurts my ears.” Visual Routines Visual routines provide predictability, consistency, and clarity to help children feel safe and comply with expected behaviors in addition to assertive communication. Examples Where Visual Schedules Can Help • Bedtime • Potty • Clean up for dinner • Get ready for the morning • Days of where child will be in different class/daycare days or parents’ house • Other transition times If there is a chaotic time your home this could be helpful. o Keep it simple with a picture and few words o Limit it to 6 steps or less o Order steps in a line in the order you want them to happen. o Post it in the area where the behavior needs to happen – bedroom for bedtime, bathroom for potty, etc. o Optional - Incorporate a visual warning like a sand timer ▪ “2 minutes until clean up time” Take pictures of your child doing the task or use attached images to get started What Now? ------- Commit Attention: Remind yourself 5x a day “what I focus on I get more of”. When you wake up, at meals, bedtime and when you are upset. Pay attention to your focus. Are you focusing on what you want to happen, or on what you don’t want to happen? When you’re upset, pivot. Acknowledge that you are upset and ask yourself “do I want to have more of this in my life?” If the answer is no, breathe and tell your child what you want them to do and why. Assertiveness: Listen to yourself talk to children. Are you passive, aggressive or assertive? Get the child’s attention before you speak. Move close and wait for them to look at you. If they ignore you tell them “I am going to show you what I want you to do” When you are frustrated express your feelings directly – “I feel______ when you _____” or “I don’t like it when you ________”. Be kind to yourself as you learn new words to communicate what you want. Sources: Conscious Discipline Parent Curriculum & Easy to Love Difficult to Discipline by Dr. Becky Bailey All information is from consciousdiscipline.com/ and their YouTube channel www.youtube.com/lovingguidance Make: Visual Schedule for chaotic moments of the day.
Attitude Shift: Harnessing the Power of Unity Reason: To focus on connecting instead of being special Discipline Skill: Encouragement Power: Unity Value: Interdependence Today’s Agenda: 1. Shifts 2. Unity 3. Encouragement 4.Noticing 5. Commit Honor our children so they will honor others. Shifts: 1. Focus on connecting instead of trying to be special (i.e., “right”). Connecting with others by valuing their contributions – help, ideas, compliance, and efforts. 2. Notice the child’s actions to allow them to fully own their actions, rather than focusing on our assessment of them. “You did it! You wrote your name!” vs “Look how nicely you wrote your name” Unity: The Power of Unity is honoring each other and remembering that each unique individual has something to offer, child to adult. We thrive when we work together when everyone has a place to contribute their strengths and skills. Human beings value caring, sharing, kindness, and helpfulness towards others. Plus, we feel better when we feel like we matter. Our brains produce feel good chemicals when we act and are treated in such ways. Those chemicals are stress reducers and attention span improvers! Unity focuses on connection vs being special – removes the competition and honors the fact that everyone has an important contribution to make to our homes, classrooms, community, state and world.
Attitude Shift: Harnessing the Power of Free Will Reason: The only person you can make change is yourself Discipline Skill: Choices Power: Free Will Value: Commitment Today’s Agenda: 1. Shifts 2. Free Will 3. Positive Choices 4. What if? 5. Commit Fear controls, love structures. Shifts: 1. Shift from “how can I make my child behave a certain way?” to “how can I help my child choose to be more cooperative?” 2. Create two positive choices that have favorable outcomes vs a positive choice and a punishment Offer choices that empower the child vs a choice between “do what I say or be punished” (a form of manipulation) Free Will: The Power of Free Will is the belief that every person has the ability to choose to be helpful or hurtful either to others or themselves. Each of us is responsible for how we behave. With that said, we cannot make others behave; they must choose for themselves. On the flip side, others cannot make us behave in certain ways either, we choose, whether we like it or not.
Think about some of these “should” and “have to” statements we make when deciding on how much responsibility we take or power we give to “them” (whoever they are). I should call Sarah ------------------------ I will call Sarah I have to work out ------------------------ I am going to exercise If we believe that others make us choose to do things then we believe that we can make others do things and chose things because they “should”. This belief occurs in discipline too; by forcing our will on children (with good intentions) yet not respecting their free will because we know better. Making children mind by getting them to behave is a common belief as a parent’s role and if not accomplished then they have “failed” in their duty – what hurtful assumptions. Examples: making a child do their homework, making a child stop giggling at nap time, making someone happy. Can we make someone, regardless of age, do something their heart is set against? Yes – using force but how about willingly? When we use force is says that it’s alright to force influence on others because we know better. It also removes the other persons choice = removes their self-esteem and ability to make a commitment. Let’s rethink these beliefs of living a life controlled by others and battling for control of others and start to take ownership becoming empowered parents and giving our children that same gift. The only person we can make change is ourselves; yet we want children to choose to be helpful and cooperative. Good news we can do this by structuring choices! How? This is where the Power of Acceptance, Attention, and Assertiveness comes back into play – accept the moment as it is, focus on what you want to see more of, make a choice of what we could do as the next step and assertively command it – follow up with encouragement and wala, high five worthy parenting. Choices Providing choices allows children the opportunity to learn how to choose as well as be responsible for their choices. Choices help children (and adults): • Increase attention span • Develop decision making skills • Follow through on tasks • Improve their self esteem • Develop responsibility • Feel empowered and capable • *Increase likelihood of cooperation If the choice is a positive choice and a punishment – “let your sister swing or we are leaving the park” they may choose to avoid punishment by choosing the positive, but they will miss out on a true moment of choosing and its benefits (listed above). These are the little opportunities we can use as a learning experience that creates healthy values to live by. *Create two positive choices throughout the day to instill the value of commitment Choices structure the situation and help: 1. The child succeed at the matter at hand (goal desired by parent) 2. Creating a situation where either choice is acceptable 3. Allowing the child to exercise their will safely “You have a choice. You may ______ or _____. Which is better for you? “In 2 minutes, it’s your sisters turn to swing. You have a choice you can have one more under dog or you can pump by yourself. What’s better for you?” Remember that children take up to 10 seconds to comprehend at times so breathe, give time, and repeat with hand gestures if necessary. “Pump or underdog?” *Build self-esteem by noticing their choice. Encourage, even if they get off dragging feet, by noticing, “you chose one more underdog you were this high!” By keeping the attention on what we want to see more of the learning moment positive. What if? Hesitate to choose • This is signal to offer and point out little choices they make all throughout the day. This creates opportunities for genuine praise when we notice their choice making skills. o You have a choice. You can hold my left hand or right hand while we cross the street. You did it! You chose the right hand, here we go. • Model acceptance of mistakes to alleviate the fear of disappointing others or being wrong. “Think out loud” techniques model this. o “Whoops that didn’t work how I thought it would... hmmm let’s try this” • If we make mistakes acknowledge them, apologize if needed and state what you can do differently next time. Resisting Structure • Testing limits is a developmental process. It is the child discovering where they begin and we end and who they are as an individual – “not mom or dad”. Use parroting in these situations – calmly repeat choices. o When they comply celebrate lavishly! Recognize the effort they put into turning that negative response into a positive. “You did it! You chose to ____, good for you” o If they continue to refuse say, “You’re having a hard time choosing; I will chose for you” and then move on. Changing Minds • This often indicates stress or overwhelm but sometimes is a learned behavior. When this happens, it is a signal that the child needs to slow down, calm and connect in the moment and throughout the day more. o Get on their level o Say their name o Wait for them to look o Breathe o Offer choice o Notice when they do o Stick with it ▪ “You chose pretzels and here they are. You can eat them or not.” Use the picture rule cards attached to structure two positive choices for a “no” choice to show acceptable behaviors of problem areas in your home – add pictures to help them clearly see what is expected. *Infants/Toddlers only have 2 choices leave out the “no” choice. What Now? ------- Commit Free Will: o Change what you say then make a choice and live with it. o “I have to” ----------- “I will” or “I am going to” o “I should” -------- “I could” o Allow others to have their own thoughts and feelings that differ from ours – be curious about how it feels when someone disagrees - most people feel threatened. o Resist the urge to make others happy or change their view by convincing them you have the answers. o Remind yourself 3x a day “the only person I can make change is myself”. Then choose to be pleasant and share that with others. Choices: Building Self Esteem o Practice making choices in your day to day when someone asks where you’d like to eat or meet – make the choice and stick with it. o Avoid false choices – Can the child choose to stay awake or must they go to bed? o Check to see when you offer too many choices and when you offer too few. o Changing mind often or hesitating to choose are signals o Figure our where you need to give an assertive command or a choice. Assertive command are best used when child is overwhelmed or anxious. Choices are more helpful when children want to feel empowered. o Give two positive choices: 1. “You may _____, or ____.” 2. “What is your choice?” 3. “You chose_____!” 4. Do not give choices to the child where you are afraid to make the decision – you are the boss Make: Visual Rule Cards with 1 “No” choice and 2 Positive Choices Sources: Conscious Discipline Parent Curriculum & Easy to Love Difficult To Discipline by Dr. Becky Bailey
Attitude Shift: Harnessing the power of perception Reason: To own your own upset Discipline: Composure Power: Perception Value: Integrity Today’s Agenda: 1. Shifts 2. Perception 3. Composure 4. Safe Place 5. Commit Children can only learn when they feel physically and emotionally safe. An adult’s inner state co-regulates the child’s state. “Inner state” is a phrase used to describe what is going on inside us. Shifts: 1. From blame to owning your own upset. No one can make you angry without your permission. 2. Being proactive instead of reactive so that you remain composed when they are losing theirs. Perception: The Power of Perception allows us to be in control of ourselves. Things happen that trigger a belief of how things should or shouldn’t be, which then determines the inner state we are in.
When you are upset, you have a problem. Your upset is a signal to you. Our choice is to decide which way to go – up or down by using the skills we have in the moment. Button Pushing Video It allows us to model the behaviors we want to see, and to be the person we want children to become instead of blaming others. “Look how you made her feel.” “You are driving me nuts!” “Look what you made me do!” “Don’t make me pull this car over.” “Are you happy now?” When we blame others for our upset we are putting them in control of us. A button in being pushed and is letting us know we want something to change. When your Buttons are Pushed What to Do Q.T.I.P. Quit taking it personal – they are in an upset state using limited tools. Composure: the 1st self-discipline skill that helps us reclaim our power by learning to actively calm ourselves in time of distress. This is the pause to choose how we want to behave in ways that are helpful and model behaviors we want our children to use. BREATHE - 3 Deep Belly Breaths helps to shut off the stress response in the body! Say these each time to send a signal to your brain “this is real”: “I am safe” “I am calm” “I can handle this” Shift your perception to “I am willing to see the situation differently” Once calm, your perspective can shift to what you want to happen or the ability to see the world from their perspective. Safe Place: The safe place is a tool for learning not a time out. This is where the child can go to learn self- regulation skills. Time outs are punishments that are ineffective in creating permanent behavior changes. The safe place depends on age from the womb, to arms, lap, next to child, a place a child can go; ultimately children will carry it within themselves as inner peace. You are your child’s portable safe place as they learn how to self regulate. Ways to do this are in the picture cards on the next page – pretzel, balloon, star, drain. What Now? ------- Commit Composure: Practice breathing deeply 3x all throughout the day. Breathe before responding to a stressful situation. Teach your child to breathe. Perspective: Notice how your thoughts create your feelings. When you feel angry, overwhelmed, or anxious, check to see what you are thinking. Where is your mind directed? Listen to how often you blame others. Carefully note any “make me” language. “Don’t make me_______” “You’re making me__________” Replace with “I am going to_________” Be kind to yourself as you learn new ways to handle hard situations. Make: Breathing cards for visuals to have in the house. Practice in times of peace not upset. A place the child can go to “calm down” – cozy, favorite book, fidget toy, coloring, pin wheel or breathing picture cards, glitter bottle. Sources: Conscious Discipline Parent Curriculum & Easy to Love Difficult To Discipline by Dr. Becky Bailey
 Attitude Shift: Harnessing the Power of Love Reason: To see the best in one another Discipline Skill: Love Power: Positive Intent Value: Cooperation Today’s Agenda: 1. Shifts 2. Love 3. Positive Intent 4. Teaching New Skills 5. Commit Love sees the best in others – including children Shifts: 1. Assuming a positive motive in conflict situations vs a negative motive. • “Being determined to find faults in children {others} simply means that you’re unwilling to change yourself” 2. Viewing hurtful behavior as a sign to teach a new skill. • “We must see people differently in order for them to behave differently.” Love: The Power of Love is seeing the best in others whether their behaviors are helpful or hurtful. This is a mental shift to view people and situations in a different way - they are doing the best they know how to do in that moment with the skills that they have under those circumstances. Imagine driving and someone cuts you off and then speeds along. There are two ways that we can go about this; one thought could be “Watch out ieez what and idiot!” or “Wow, they must be in a hurry to something important”. It doesn’t matter what the truth is because we are not going to find out what their reasoning for being a fast and unsafe driver is; yet if we have grace and slap on a positive assumption with it then we begin to see the world differently and treat one another differently. Remembering what we offer to others we are offering to ourselves. As well as what we model to our children they will learn as their first language. Another example: Think about a time when you went to a gathering as the new person in town. Imagine that you tell yourself “Oh gosh I probably won’t fit in I’m going to be the odd ball” and how that would feel. Now imagine the scene differently, everyone is happy to meet you; conversations flow, the night is a total hit, and you get a message later thanking you for coming and what a great time it was to meet you and have you over. Feel the difference in just that imaginary situation? We get to decide that we are “good enough” and that others mean well or they don’t. What we offer to others we experience in ourselves – if we send negative assumptions that is negativity in ourselves and mindset and vise versa. A way to experience the power of love right now is to think of a person you love dearly; then silently and with a full heart, wish them well by sending them loving energy. If no one comes to mind think of something in your life that you are grateful for; home, job, windless day, etc. Now notice how you feel inside your body. We wish well in our classrooms when someone is gone and also as one of the steps before finding a solution between two kids who are in conflict. When we wish someone well, we tend to “well up” with warmth and a feeling of being blessed. It’s our choice how we view life. Positive Intent Positive intent is the conscious choice to teach instead of punish. When we choose to teach a child after a mistake is made then they can learn a new skill to use from the mistake. When we punish and shame they learn not to do “that” thing; yet may lack the skills to do it better next time and ding their confidence in doing better next time. right. We want to teach “to error is human, you make a mistake and can learn from it vs you are thoughtless and mean (for hitting and not asking)” It starts with the power of love and seeing the situation through a lens of positive motives. It’s then that we are able to teach and help them shift to an Executive state (learning brain) and then learn the skill for a helpful behavior in future situations. This process helps children shift from blame & judgements to recovering after making a mistake and finding a solution. The way we start to see children’s behavior differently, so they behave differently is to see behaviors as a call for help and that they are missing a skill. Then we can A.C.T. to teach the skill. The A.C.T. Formula Acknowledge the child’s desire and describe without judgment their actions. Use the phrase: “You wanted _____ so you ______.” Clarify the new skill to use. “When you want _____, say (or do) _____”. This is where limits can be set as well. “You may not hit, hitting hurts. When you want a turn say ‘Turn please’.” Take time to practice. “Do it now for practice. Say ____” or “Let’s do it together for practice.” This will become second nature with practice remember that it take 2,000 time in context to learn a new skill for kiddos and it take time for us to learn too!
Make it – Celebration Rituals Throughout the day there will be lots of little encouragements like “you did it!” Celebrations are for the bigger accomplishments like using the potty or using their words rather than hitting or using a skill that has been repeatedly taught. Whether the accomplishment is big or small the important part of celebrating is the connection and feeling of the excitement that is conveyed. • Dancing/ Singing a little song • Spontaneous activity • High Fiving/Fist Bumping • Group Hugging • Any of these can become and I Love You Ritual for your family. A special dinner is nice too, yet the food isn’t the celebration it’s the connection shared between family members as we celebrate successes. When we share in rituals, we are passing down beliefs and our family culture to the next generation. Every time an I Love You Ritual is done, we are sharing in a deep connection of our values. What Now? ------- Commit Love • Wish people well – in the line at the store, in the car, at drop off/pick up, everywhere you can • Begin each day being grateful for three things • Affirm to yourself “what I offer to others I offer to myself” • Be conscious of how often you offer judgements or criticism to others Positive Intent • When your child makes a mistake, or misbehavers, highlight her best self by attributing a positive intent to there actions or words, then focus on teaching them another way. • Make a list of ways you can show your love for your children (spouses too). o Do two things from that list daily and add to it as time goes on. o Be generous with your physical affection with younger children through school age. Boys need hugs and kisses as much as girls do. • When you slip up, consciously attribute positive intent to yourself: “I was scared Fiona would get hurt and yelled at her when she ran ahead to cross the street”. • Model positive intent towards clerk, politicians, food servers, ex-spouses, and others so that they hear you using the power of love. Especially make an intention when these people make “mistakes”. Sources: Easy to Love Difficult to Discipline and Conscious Discipline Parenting Curriculum, Becky Bailey
Attitude Shift: Harnessing the Power of Intention Reason: Conflict offers the opportunity to teach Discipline Skill: Consequences Power: Intention Value: Responsibility Today’s Agenda: 2. Rewards & Punishments 3. Intention 4. Consequences o Natural o Logical o Problem Solving 5. Commit All mistakes are opportunities to learn if we just see them as such. Be willing to make mistakes and have the courage to learn from them. Rewards & Punishments A common tactic that adults use with children is the rewards and punishments system. This is where a parent judges the child’s behavior as “good” or “bad’ and then hands out something good or bad to express that judgement. Think about this as an adult – say that tomorrow we are scheduled to perform heart surgery on a patient. Before the operation we are told “if you do not succeed the patient will die and then we will repo your car; but if you do succeed the patient will survive and you will get a new car!” How does a car come into play to help us exhibit the best skills we have to perform the procedure? It doesn’t help especially because most of us are not equipped to perform heart surgery in the first place. But this is how punishments and rewards are handed out day in and day out.
What is missing from these situations is the importance of learning new skills through the consequences that help the child reflect on their behavior and in what ways they can be driven to do things differently next time. Remember Encouragement and how humans all have an innate desire to be helpful and involved? What if they don’t want to watch TV, eat dessert or care about a surprise? Science shows that when we impose a punishment or reward preemptively it sends stress signals to the brain that initiates the survival state – immediately limiting skills that we already have and now are unable to access them because of the state that we are in. So that leads into the intention behind the consequence and where the focus of attention is – blame to induce guilt and shame or reflection, responsibility, and learning? Intention: The Power of Intention recognizes that mistakes and conflict are opportunities to teach and learn, not punish. Remember, to learn we must feel safe physically and emotionally. Our job as the parents is to be the “safekeeper” creating an environment where children feel safe to make a mistake. The intent that we choose determines whether we punish, save, control, or teach children after a mistake has occurred. It is difficult to make a shift from punishing to teaching when we have the mindset that all mistakes are punishable offenses or that conflict is bad. With that view we may even strive to avoid conflicts and prevent mistakes from happening. Let’s shift the view to viewing mistakes as opportunities to learn and conflict as an opportunity for children to learn how to set healthy boundaries. Tiring as teaching is, it will pay off tenfold as our children get older and can face hard moments with grace. If we set the intention to view these instances as learning moments for our children, we bolster our self- respect as well as help children maintain their self-worth. We can teach children to feel and say “Oops! I am still wonderful. Now let’s learn!” We must be able to believe this and model it before our kids can. Being able mess up and say “Oops...” is important because it allows us to: 1. Recognize our mistake, “Oops” 2. Owning the mistake and knowing that it has no impact on our self-worth – “I am still wonderful” 3. Learning a new skill or try a different way – “Now let’s learn” Making the shift to view moments of upset in a different light from “how can I make them pay for what they have done” to an intention of “how can I help this child succeed?” is essential to have the next section of consequences work. Some common assumptions and judgments to view differently: • Disobedience is linked to disrespectful o I.e. Child has a messy room and didn’t pick up when asked opposed to the child got distracted by toys or friends and their room is still messy. How can we help them to succeed? • “Bad guy” and “victim” who gets the punishment aka “who started it?” opposed to “here is an opportunity to teach” • Humiliating fit out in public just to embarrass me or be a brat when “no” doesn’t go over well. Opposed to seeing the child as overwhelmed by the emotions of being disappointed and in need of coaching through the emotion and a more helpful response for in the future. • Child is being defiant o Child doesn’t want to take a bath opposed to the child would prefer to play. How can we work together to reach the end goal? Threats or positive choices? Our intention is coaching these young learners to set respectful limits and teach others how to they want to be treated through healthy boundaries and relationships. What a great gift to give! Consequences The reason that consequences come as the last tool is not because it is the least important; it’s that all the other tools and skills needed to be in place so that effective consequences could be possible. Implementing this new way of approaching children, relationships and the world takes an adjustment to rewire our brains from how we were raised and how we have been parenting our children, thus far. A consequence is a behavior that has an impact on others or ourselves that we can reflect on then choose a different strategy for next time. Being able to learn from a consequence of our actions takes two things: 1. We must reflect on our actions in relation to our long-term goal . a. Is eating the whole bag of chips while binging on Netflix going to get the weight off we want to loose? Or is the child throwing their sippy cup across the table going to help them to get more milk? 2. We must take ownership of the choices we make and the feelings that come with them. a. Feeling disappointed that our weight goal has been delayed by the choices we made. Or the child felt angry that there was no milk in his cup. These examples show us how we can be motivated to do something different to reach our goal. After seeing the scale and feeling the tight pants we are motivated to stick to the healthy eating plan. After the child feels angry and disappointed about no milk and now no cup, they are motivated to learn “more please” as a new skill to ask for a drink. It can feel uncomfortable to see children have the feelings that come with the consequences of their choices. That is where we come in with authentic empathy to help them manage their emotions so that they are then able to access current skills and learn new ones. In conscious discipline there are 3 types of consequences: natural, logical, & imposed. Natural Consequences These consequences are the cause-and-effect type of consequence – if we do or don’t do x then y will happen. This is where we as parents permit mistakes to happen often as long as they are safe. The intention here is that we allow children to try and fail in a physically and emotionally safe environment so they can learn form their mistakes. Our job is to provide is to follow up with empathy and problem-solving vs preventing, saving or belittling. For example, the natural consequences of the child who insists on not wearing the snow pants outside may be that they are limited to where they get to play on the playground or will feel the discomfort of wet pants for the rest of the day. A child who experiences disappointment after repeatedly throwing the toy on the ground and does not get to play with that toy anymore when it breaks. Take a deep breath because these examples are hard for some of us but essential to the learning process. Our role is to allow the discomfort so that they are motivated to do it differently next time. Do not prevent the discomfort; be prepared to greet the discomfort when it surfaces with empathy first and then some problem solving. Logical Consequences Natural consequences are the most powerful and effective and best to use whenever we can. When natural consequences are not possible then we use logical consequences. Logical consequences only work when the child has shown repeatedly that they know how to preform the skill and feel connected. f they are not able to do it most of the time then they are not ready to have logical consequences. They need more of the assertive commands. Children that have damaged relationships or are disconnected (very in their own world) need to be connected with often for consequences to be effective. Before handing out a consequence check in on the relationship.
Related: Make sure the consequence is related to the child’s behavior. If the goal is keeping the blocks off the floor, then the related consequences would be for the blocks to be off limits for a period of time, not for the child to lose dessert. Respectful: The consequence is respectful in terms of the consequence itself and the way it is delivered. Not using punitive, humiliation or aggressive in the process of imposing the consequence. Reasonable: The consequence is reasonable, meaning it is something the child can do, and makes sense in terms of severity and duration. Avoid empty threat like “give it to me now or you will never play on my phone again!” or “Alright, bye I’m leaving” These undermine our purpose and can lead to overly harsh consequences. Empathy: When children blow it – and they will blow it – follow through on the consequence with a good dose of empathy. Consequences followed by empathy result in reflection, ownership of the action and change. Avoid lectures of “I told you so” or “what did you think was going to happen” this can undermine the effectiveness of the consequences and cause power struggles. Remember to describe what you are seeing when they are upset and to help them calm or lead them to a place that will help them feel comfort until they are able to move forward with a loving “what can you learn?” mentality. Avoid passivity and aggressive coaching. *If you feel you are often giving logical consequences without seeing progress that is an indicator of needing to rebuild connection in the relationship and that the skill expected needs to be clarified. First use connection-building activities and make sure you see the child being successful using the skill before applying logical consequences. Refer back to Assertiveness and Encouragement to build up the skill set. Problem Solving as a Consequence: Problem solving is the process of recognizing a missing skill and teaching it in a way that children are able to hear and learn. I allows the children to become apart of the solution. This skill requires all of the skills we have learned about in Conscious Discipline and operate from an Executive State. We are our children’s safekeeper. When children start screaming, back talking, saying hurtful things, throwing fits, threatening or generally freaking out it is our job to keep it safe. Is it safe to scream back? Drag them to their room for time out? Telling them what a horrible awful embarrassment they are? Threatening them that we will leave them or send them to Papas? None of these things are safe. Safety and connection are what is needed. Pause – Actively Calm – Help them to Actively Calm, Describe, Name, Acknowledge, use Empathy, Choices, Commands and then Problem solving can come into play. There is a structure that can help in teaching these conflict resolution skills between others to learn helpful new behaviors. S.T.A.R Wish Well Let’s Do It – Think Express the “I don’t like it when.... Next time please...” “Okay, I can do that” In littles teaching the STOP hand where they put their hand up next to their own body and stay STOP will help to teach them to have power with their words and signal to the parent that they need to come over and 1) encourage the child 2) Teach the skills necessary. What Now? ------- Commit Intention Whenever a conflict arises, breathe deeply and remind yourself, “Conflict is an opportunity to teach and learn” Focus on responding to the conflict rather than trying to eliminate it. When conflict occurs ask yourself: o “What is my intent here?” o “Do I intent to make my child feel bad and pay for his crime?” o “Do I want to teach my child to reflect on his choices, change them, and develop new skills?” Consequences Break down mistakes and conflicts in yourself and in your children: • What choice was made? • What was the result of that choice? • How did that choice and result of that choice feel? • Was the desired outcome met? • What new strategies might be better next time? Allow mistakes and conflict then: • Give guidance through, limits, possible outcomes, and choices • Allow the child to experience the consequence • Model Self Control • Offer empathy • Help them problem solve for a different way next time • Use the three R’s and Empathy when imposing logical consequences o Related to behavior o Respectful consequence and delivery o Reasonable to the behavior and age of the child (Calm before delivering) Sources: Easy to Love Difficult to Discipline and Conscious Discipline Parenting Curriculum, Becky Bailey
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